The ones I didn't reply to...

Some of the top approaches to contact I've had online. Remember kids: these people are allowed to use the internet unsupervised.

"If I were going to compare you to a car I'd say you were a really souped up white ford capri from the 1980's with a bit of rust for good measure."

Wow, I'm like a rusty car? You flatter me!

"i love your photo and witty profile however i'm much (much much lol) older than you are. i live here in dumfries, have quite a strong sexuality in that i get an erection easily, much too easily lol, and have been on my own for about four years. one of my biggest loves is music, both listening and making."

I'm not sure if you're trying to interest me, or let me know right from the outset that you're a dirty old man (he's 62).

"Hey you serial killer :) Wanna shoot me? :)"

"OOOOK... you don`t like me, but I like you you little evil :)"

2 of the 4 (unresponded) contacts from one guy. I think he may have got off on the wrong foot...and continued hopping on it.

"I`m not one to talk about myself too much but I`m fairly attractive,have my act together and I`m really funny.So if you don`t like to laugh then we`re in trouble."

So, you're funny, but if I don't find you funny, it's my own fault, yes? I think not.

"wow..your nice"

Thanks. You're kind. But utterly lacking in any conversational skills.

" i like your picture only one problem i live in stonehaven"

Yes, that is a problem. For you. Stonehaven's horrible.

Friday din-dins

Madame @VoleQueen has organised our venture for Friday: dinner at 7.30pm at The Criterion in Picadilly Circus. The table's booked for 12 of us, so I need to know who's going to be there: leave a comment here or message me on Twitter if you're coming please!

Now remember kids: we might have to pretend we're proper adults, so practice your grown up faces, and how to make adult conversation. Adult as in "mature", not "things kids shouldn't hear until they're older"....

The voice of experience

So, I'm on a dating site. I go in phases with these, initially thinking maybe I'll meet someone normal, and then within a few weeks realising that they're actually full of mad men. Utter loons. And running away and swearing I'll not go back on one. Then I get bored of the whole singledom thing, and try again. Bad idea.

Here are a few things most of the freaky men on these sites should know.

Spelling
If you are on a site where people are going to gain their first impression of you via text, try making sure that that text is spelled correctly. Txt spk and loss of capitals makes me wonder what you have against vowels and proper punctuation.

Profile text
Top tip: write some, yes? And yes, everyone has to write that they like going out / staying in, cinema, friends etc, but when you write that and complain that you have to do it, you just sound whiny. And unable to think of anything interesting about yourself. And if you can't think of anything interesting about you, what makes you think anyone else is going to try and find it?

Contact email
"Hi" is the top heading for emails I receive. Now, I'm pretty sure my profile has enough information in it for you to be able to make some sort of comment beyond "hi". And emails with the entire content also being "hi", "Hello" or "Talk to me!!!" (my personal favourite) are not going to get replies. If you want to chat with me, then actually try starting a conversation. Emails like that are equivalent to prodding me in the street then standing in front of me grinning gormlessly.

Repeated messages
If I do not reply to your first message, it's probably because I'm not interested. If I don't reply to the second, third or fourth, please stop messaging, you're just looking like a stalker and freaking me out!

Username
Now, you may well adore your football team, but to give yourself a username that says you are a fan of x team kinda implies that that's all you think about. And that does not bode well for in depth chats about life, the universe and everything. And using words like "spanky" and "good at it" just sounds sleazy.

Photos
I want to see you, what you look like. A photo of you draped over some dolly bird makes me wonder why you're on the site, if you're apparently constantly surrounded by women. A photo with three people in it makes me wonder which one you are. And a photo with you giving the fingers makes me wonder where your manners are.

I know this sounds ranty, and yes, it's nice to be contacted, but some people need to learn some social skills before they're allowed online unsupervised.

And yet...there may be an occasional rare normal man on these sites. I have a few dates coming up soon. I can only hope they go better than previous ones (my favourite was the guy who asked what age I was, said I looked my age in my photos, unlike other women who tried to pretend they were younger than their real age, then talked about himself for the next hour or so until I could politely escape), and they're not all loons. But, going on previous experience...they will be.

Wish me luck!

Londonshire outing

Oh yes indeedy, the fabulous @VoleQueen and I will be venturing down to that scary, scary Big London, the weekend of Friday 16th April. The wonderous @catstress is being our Hostess With The Mostess, for which we shall spend many hours gazing adoringly at her!

We have a (still entirely vague, please feel free to add ideas, and join us) plan for dinner on the Friday night - we arrive at 6.30pm. Any suggestions for a dinner venue?

Saturday evening is slightly more organised: we have an area downstairs in The Albany reserved from 9pm. @R4isStatic is guest DJ from 9-10, for a 90s indie night called Play/Pause. Plan is to meet in the bar upstairs about 7.30pm, which leaves time for everyone to get themselves fed before meeting up. If you don't have my mobile number, DM me on Twitter and I'll pass it to you. Also, let me know by adding your name to this Doodle so I can know who we're expecting!

Of course, the luscious @MrsPBoutique is also celebrating her birthday on Saturday, and she and @Nancetron will be indulging in some well-deserved pampering beforehand, so we'll be trying to match their high levels of ladylikeness, so we shall be dolling ourselves up to look pretty!

Umbrella rules for men - as seen by a woman

Types of umbrella

• Really, you don't want to have to use an umbrella. To do so is unmanly. A hood is preferable.
• If you simply must use an umbrella, the first choice is a golf umbrella, the bigger the better. The golf umbrella should be black, but it is just about acceptable to have colour, only if the colour is the logo of a large bank, or law firm.
• If you have to use the last resort of a "normal" sized umbrella, it MUST be black. Anything else is an assault on your manliness.

Umbrella etiquette

• Politeness is only for women using umbrellas.
• You do not need to consider the fact that the ends of your umbrella spokes are deadly weapons. You have a golf umbrella (you'd better do, or you're letting the side down, son), therefore you are bigger and better than anyone else, and they'll get out of your way. Or lose their eye. Which will, of course, be their own fault.
• When going past a bus stop on a narrow street, do not put your umbrella down. This is the option for the weak willed. Keep it up, thereby ensuring the people waiting at the bus stop will have to get out of your way. This is the correct order of things.

Crafting up a frenzy

I had some time off work, and decided to do....absolutely bugger all. Well, other than craft, and bond with my sofa.

So, this week I've made...a normal peacock

(which turned

into a commission for 2 peacocks, one red, one green

), a flying pig (that I'd promised for the Bright

on Twestival)

plus a mini flying pig as an apology for it taking a while

, a mini basket of roses,

a glass bottle full of rainbows,

a decorated horse / zebra, a miniature superman comic,

and a mini canvas...

And now...time to replant the triffid / spider plant into a bigger pot, and put the rhubarb and asparagus into pots and put on the window ledge.

Oh, and I need to deliver the pumpkin plant to Lorna...

The confusion of moi

Yeesh: mobile phones! I'm not usually a high tech girl with phones. I don't want an MP3 player (I have one already), or a camera (I have one of those too), I don't want anything else, I just want to make phone calls, and send texts.

But recently, I've been thinking. I pay £15 a month for a SIM only deal...and I bought my phone 18 months ago. Which means that there's no such things as an upgrade for me, or attempts to buy my loyalty. So, for a wee bit more a month, I could have a shiny new toy, and more benefits, including internet access, and a phone that doesn't have a fit for 3 days if someone tries to send me a picture text (which happened again this week - 5 failed text notifications a day on average for that).

So....I'm trying to figure out how to buy a phone. It ain't easy. I know what phone I want, so next was finding who supplies it...so there's 2 options. And, of course, I'll be going through a cashback site so I can get some money off. And I can't get the phone I want with a less than 24 month contract, so do I buy the phone for a discount and get a smaller monthly contract? Or pay for the phone entirely within the contract? I decided on buying the phone.

And then, I find out I can get free landline internet with the phone from one supplier, but the offer's only valid until the 20th. But I can't get through to my supplier to find when my landline contract ends.

And I try putting in the mobile phone and contract plan I want in the online basket, and the mobile internet access, which shows as being included on the package page, isn't there when I look at the basket detail, and is there as an extra £5 add-on option. But it's not an add-on: it's meant to be part of the package.

I called them, but after 5 mins on hold, I gave up.

I'm admitting defeat for the day...I've got a headache now!!

PHONES!!!