How to tell that you live in a marginal seat

Tally to date of political party fliers:

Greens - 1

Conservatives - 1

Trade Unionists - 2

Labour - 2, plus 1 party political newspaper

Liberal Democrats - 10: 8 professionally printed fliers, 1 photocopied on pink paper, and 1 party political newspaper.

Guess who's SO desperate for my vote that they're starting to annoy me?

And apparently, despite their wailing about needing to be on the UK debates, the SNP aren't actually that bothered about, y'know, getting votes, judging from their lack of any contact.

The ones I didn't reply to...

Some of the top approaches to contact I've had online. Remember kids: these people are allowed to use the internet unsupervised.

"If I were going to compare you to a car I'd say you were a really souped up white ford capri from the 1980's with a bit of rust for good measure."

Wow, I'm like a rusty car? You flatter me!

"i love your photo and witty profile however i'm much (much much lol) older than you are. i live here in dumfries, have quite a strong sexuality in that i get an erection easily, much too easily lol, and have been on my own for about four years. one of my biggest loves is music, both listening and making."

I'm not sure if you're trying to interest me, or let me know right from the outset that you're a dirty old man (he's 62).

"Hey you serial killer :) Wanna shoot me? :)"

"OOOOK... you don`t like me, but I like you you little evil :)"

2 of the 4 (unresponded) contacts from one guy. I think he may have got off on the wrong foot...and continued hopping on it.

"I`m not one to talk about myself too much but I`m fairly attractive,have my act together and I`m really funny.So if you don`t like to laugh then we`re in trouble."

So, you're funny, but if I don't find you funny, it's my own fault, yes? I think not.

"wow..your nice"

Thanks. You're kind. But utterly lacking in any conversational skills.

" i like your picture only one problem i live in stonehaven"

Yes, that is a problem. For you. Stonehaven's horrible.

Friday din-dins

Madame @VoleQueen has organised our venture for Friday: dinner at 7.30pm at The Criterion in Picadilly Circus. The table's booked for 12 of us, so I need to know who's going to be there: leave a comment here or message me on Twitter if you're coming please!

Now remember kids: we might have to pretend we're proper adults, so practice your grown up faces, and how to make adult conversation. Adult as in "mature", not "things kids shouldn't hear until they're older"....

The voice of experience

So, I'm on a dating site. I go in phases with these, initially thinking maybe I'll meet someone normal, and then within a few weeks realising that they're actually full of mad men. Utter loons. And running away and swearing I'll not go back on one. Then I get bored of the whole singledom thing, and try again. Bad idea.

Here are a few things most of the freaky men on these sites should know.

Spelling
If you are on a site where people are going to gain their first impression of you via text, try making sure that that text is spelled correctly. Txt spk and loss of capitals makes me wonder what you have against vowels and proper punctuation.

Profile text
Top tip: write some, yes? And yes, everyone has to write that they like going out / staying in, cinema, friends etc, but when you write that and complain that you have to do it, you just sound whiny. And unable to think of anything interesting about yourself. And if you can't think of anything interesting about you, what makes you think anyone else is going to try and find it?

Contact email
"Hi" is the top heading for emails I receive. Now, I'm pretty sure my profile has enough information in it for you to be able to make some sort of comment beyond "hi". And emails with the entire content also being "hi", "Hello" or "Talk to me!!!" (my personal favourite) are not going to get replies. If you want to chat with me, then actually try starting a conversation. Emails like that are equivalent to prodding me in the street then standing in front of me grinning gormlessly.

Repeated messages
If I do not reply to your first message, it's probably because I'm not interested. If I don't reply to the second, third or fourth, please stop messaging, you're just looking like a stalker and freaking me out!

Username
Now, you may well adore your football team, but to give yourself a username that says you are a fan of x team kinda implies that that's all you think about. And that does not bode well for in depth chats about life, the universe and everything. And using words like "spanky" and "good at it" just sounds sleazy.

Photos
I want to see you, what you look like. A photo of you draped over some dolly bird makes me wonder why you're on the site, if you're apparently constantly surrounded by women. A photo with three people in it makes me wonder which one you are. And a photo with you giving the fingers makes me wonder where your manners are.

I know this sounds ranty, and yes, it's nice to be contacted, but some people need to learn some social skills before they're allowed online unsupervised.

And yet...there may be an occasional rare normal man on these sites. I have a few dates coming up soon. I can only hope they go better than previous ones (my favourite was the guy who asked what age I was, said I looked my age in my photos, unlike other women who tried to pretend they were younger than their real age, then talked about himself for the next hour or so until I could politely escape), and they're not all loons. But, going on previous experience...they will be.

Wish me luck!