Umbrella rules for men - as seen by a woman

Types of umbrella

• Really, you don't want to have to use an umbrella. To do so is unmanly. A hood is preferable.
• If you simply must use an umbrella, the first choice is a golf umbrella, the bigger the better. The golf umbrella should be black, but it is just about acceptable to have colour, only if the colour is the logo of a large bank, or law firm.
• If you have to use the last resort of a "normal" sized umbrella, it MUST be black. Anything else is an assault on your manliness.

Umbrella etiquette

• Politeness is only for women using umbrellas.
• You do not need to consider the fact that the ends of your umbrella spokes are deadly weapons. You have a golf umbrella (you'd better do, or you're letting the side down, son), therefore you are bigger and better than anyone else, and they'll get out of your way. Or lose their eye. Which will, of course, be their own fault.
• When going past a bus stop on a narrow street, do not put your umbrella down. This is the option for the weak willed. Keep it up, thereby ensuring the people waiting at the bus stop will have to get out of your way. This is the correct order of things.