The voice of experience

So, I'm on a dating site. I go in phases with these, initially thinking maybe I'll meet someone normal, and then within a few weeks realising that they're actually full of mad men. Utter loons. And running away and swearing I'll not go back on one. Then I get bored of the whole singledom thing, and try again. Bad idea.

Here are a few things most of the freaky men on these sites should know.

Spelling
If you are on a site where people are going to gain their first impression of you via text, try making sure that that text is spelled correctly. Txt spk and loss of capitals makes me wonder what you have against vowels and proper punctuation.

Profile text
Top tip: write some, yes? And yes, everyone has to write that they like going out / staying in, cinema, friends etc, but when you write that and complain that you have to do it, you just sound whiny. And unable to think of anything interesting about yourself. And if you can't think of anything interesting about you, what makes you think anyone else is going to try and find it?

Contact email
"Hi" is the top heading for emails I receive. Now, I'm pretty sure my profile has enough information in it for you to be able to make some sort of comment beyond "hi". And emails with the entire content also being "hi", "Hello" or "Talk to me!!!" (my personal favourite) are not going to get replies. If you want to chat with me, then actually try starting a conversation. Emails like that are equivalent to prodding me in the street then standing in front of me grinning gormlessly.

Repeated messages
If I do not reply to your first message, it's probably because I'm not interested. If I don't reply to the second, third or fourth, please stop messaging, you're just looking like a stalker and freaking me out!

Username
Now, you may well adore your football team, but to give yourself a username that says you are a fan of x team kinda implies that that's all you think about. And that does not bode well for in depth chats about life, the universe and everything. And using words like "spanky" and "good at it" just sounds sleazy.

Photos
I want to see you, what you look like. A photo of you draped over some dolly bird makes me wonder why you're on the site, if you're apparently constantly surrounded by women. A photo with three people in it makes me wonder which one you are. And a photo with you giving the fingers makes me wonder where your manners are.

I know this sounds ranty, and yes, it's nice to be contacted, but some people need to learn some social skills before they're allowed online unsupervised.

And yet...there may be an occasional rare normal man on these sites. I have a few dates coming up soon. I can only hope they go better than previous ones (my favourite was the guy who asked what age I was, said I looked my age in my photos, unlike other women who tried to pretend they were younger than their real age, then talked about himself for the next hour or so until I could politely escape), and they're not all loons. But, going on previous experience...they will be.

Wish me luck!