Booktree making

Ok, I found the original instructions for doing this on the internet, but they were a bit basic, so I'll try and do a more useful version.

You will need:

• Pages of a book, approx 30, with either glue or fabric binding
• Acrylic paint (I used a cheap set from The Works)
• Either a paintbrush, or a material that will spread paint with minimal absorbing
• Small gems (I got mine from Paperchase)
• Micro beads
• Tweezers
• PVA glue, or stronger, in a fine tip dispenser (or in a puddle on some greaseproof paper)
• Foam pad
• Plastic star or similar

Making the booktree

You'll need pages that are either bound together, or well glued. They will need to be able to stand a bit of pulling and twisting, so if they're glued, make sure they're well embedded in the glue.

Take the chunk of pages, and fold the top right corner of the front page into the "spine" of the chunk, as below:

Then, fold the page into the spine again, which looks like this:

Then fold the bit that sticks out at the bottom up, parallel with the bottom of the remaining pages:

Continue folding the pages: very quickly they will start forming the tree shape, and it can soon hold itself up:

Make sure you push each fold into the spine as well as possible: the closer to the spine you can get it, the better/sharper the folds at the tip of the tree (where you can see them most) will be:

Once you've folded all the pages, you can decorate it. I used a green acrylic paint, on a little, very non-absorbent sponge chunk, but a paintbrush (not heavily laden, you don't want the pages being soaked, but to almost dry-brush the edges):

Brush down the page edges from the top, and up from the bottom until they're all well coloured, and select your decorations - I used red micro beads and green and white gems, but you could use bits of tinsel, glitter etc.

Next, use the fine nozzle glue dispenser to start decorating. Add blobs of glue scattered randomly around the tree on the painted edges:

Add your micro beads/gems/other decorations. The gems have a tendency to try and slip to one side or the other when the glue is still wet, so keep an eye on them and straighten them up if they try to do that:

Making sure the paint is dry, put the foam pad on the top of the tree:

And then add your star. Done! I promise it looks better in real life, and daylight!

It can also be folded/clamped flat for easy posting - just make sure you wait until the glue has dried before jiggling it about :)

Also, you can either pull the two opposite sides to each other and glue/pin together to make a fully round tree, or put two back-to-back to make an entire tree.

Not again

My car's been broken into again. This is a same car that had its back windscreen smashed in last year. But a different one than the one that had the window smashed and the door twisted. And also a different one than was stolen from the garage, taken for a joyride, and dumped. All in my "secure" garage, that I have no choice but to use, as the outside parking is permitted, and the residents of this building can't get a permit.

I have no luck with cars.

We chose this one so it wouldn't be tempting to steal, being an L reg, automatic, uncool car. For gods sake, it only has a tape deck! Apparently not.

It's not just the fact that they broke in, destroyed the steering column and physically broke (by twisting) the steering wheel. It's the nastiness of it: kicking and twisting the passenger rear door, snapping off the back windscreen wiper. I left nothing in there for you to take, so you thought you'd just batter the car instead? The police estimate the damage at £450 to £500. That's more than the car's worth, so it's probably a write off. I can't face telling my parents yet, or the thought of my 71 year old, disabled Dad insisting on scrambling around a scrappie to try and find the parts to fix it ourselves and make it useable again, or hurting himself trying to fit them. I don't want him to have to do that, he's too old for this crap, and I don't want to be the reason that he feels he should have to.

The police came, and, as expected, could do nothing. They were sympathetic, but there were no useable fingerprints.

I was good and held it together while the police where here: cheerful, upbeat, accepting that there was nothing more they could do. But now they've gone, I've fallen apart a bit. I've had a cry about it, and now I'm sitting here, still bursting into tears, with red, sore eyes, feeling sick, and with a thumping head.

I don't get it. I try to be a good person, be nice to others, be helpful and try and make other people happy. Yet I still get shat upon. And they're probably out there, getting drunk and having a laugh, while I try and figure out if I can do without a car, how horrendous my premiums would be if I tried claiming, how much this is all going to cost me, at a time when I'm not exactly rolling in money. Me and my family will suffer because of some little shits.

It's hard to not take something like this personally, especially when this is the 4th time in just over 2 years.

Another dating horrors update

For the continued education and entertainment of those not subjected to the wonderful world of singledom....

A few more contacts. You may see a pattern developing...

"hi how r u today?x"

"Evening how are you tonight? Im ---- normal not a total loon but can enjoy myself when looking at pix stookie of 21st june. Im a loving caring guy just looking for the same as yourself would you like to come and chat? x"

" Roast Beef Monster Much are just about as good as Pickled Onion Monster Munch."

"I too find roast beef Monster Munch a fantastic food group,
Sharks? (If I could swim, I would probaly not due to fear of being eaten, after watching Jaws as a child).

I my dear am not a total loon. How does a honeymoon in Legoland sound?

---- x"

"How are you fancy a chat? My name is --- x"

"hi thre, I liked your profile so thought i would say hi. WOuld you like to chat?

x"

"you are a very beautiful women"

"Pretty normal bloke (sort of), seeking friendship (maybe more) with humerous non bubble-head.

Is it worth a coffee to find out?"

"thought i would drop by and say hi...you profile is good..you must like humour as thats what comes across when i read it....would be really nice to chat with you...."

"Did you have a good weekend?

Please don't tell me you went swimming and the sharks got you!!!!!!! :o"

"how are you ?"

"Just thought I'd say hello... Im a big fan of tablet, my gran used to make awesome stuff :)
Not that much into swimming no?
:)"

"hey"

"hi x. you best of all."

" just wanted to say hello and how are things with you."

"Were you thanking crunchie yesterday that it was friday? :)"

"you don't look like a serial killer but i can see you have the potential when all dressed uop to be drop dead gorgeous. X ----."

"Hi
How are you doing are you having a fun summer?
ps nice top. Looks good on you!---"

"hello sexy"

"hey ther ,hows things?"


"hi, how are you.
i confess to checking the wate before i jump in, even if its a swimming pool...!
i blame jaws..

but then again, i swam in the waters of capetown and durban so i should be immune.
fat chance.


cheeky ----l"


" hey there, hows your evening going?"


"Hi,how was your day?"


" i love your profile plus you do look like a serial killer in your pics.. that smile can kill many and that innosence is the reason why you still dodge the law .. lol.."


"Wanted to say hi and see if you fancy a chat some time"


" how u doing"



" Hi

Good profile and photo and you obviously have a good sense of humour. So drop me a line if you fancy a chat, -----."



"hi ....xx"


"Hey there, just having a browse and happened across your profile..........Hello!! ;)"


"Can I get the spoon and the pot please mammy - he got it last time lol "


"Hello
I am ---- I am from Edinburgh he like to find a lady who from the same city if she is looking for the same thank I dont smarts

If she his a Email?

Thank you
----"


"hello my name is ---- wondered if you wanted to chat at this late hour .tonight i am watching lost on dvd you doing anything ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"


"Hi!!

how are you"


"Well you don't look like a serial killer in your profile so I thought I would say hi.

How are you tonight? Have you had a good weekend so far?

P.S. Pickles onion monster munch is good for a hangover too."



"How are you?x"


"how u doing" - please note, this is his second Joey-style email: now being blocked.


"hello how are you"


" Hi there, how are you?"


" interesting statement im intrigued nice picture to. hi im ---- xxx"


"Hey...How are you?"


"Any chance for a chat? or would "being polish" be a big "no-no"?:)"


"hi just thought i would say hi how are you?"


"hiya. how are you. that's a lovely photo you have on your profile."


"hi! not sure what to type when meeting some one new do you have any pointer's?"


"was just reading your profile and you sound really sweet was wondering would you fancy gettin to know each other.........."


"Hey, still alive? Hope so, then we can chat."


"Car ? Check that's such a random question
haha, hi I'm ----"

There is a definite trend to asking if we can "chat". Top tip - maybe if you suggest something to chat about, or actually start a conversation, I might? Also, as noted before, just saying "hi" is not really a great approach to creating a conversation.

And if I don't reply to your first email, the next 4 aren't going to encourage me to think you're normal, you're sadly mistaken.

So, if you want to contact any of these chaps, I can put you in touch...don't all rush at once now, gals!

How to tell that you live in a marginal seat

Tally to date of political party fliers:

Greens - 1

Conservatives - 1

Trade Unionists - 2

Labour - 2, plus 1 party political newspaper

Liberal Democrats - 10: 8 professionally printed fliers, 1 photocopied on pink paper, and 1 party political newspaper.

Guess who's SO desperate for my vote that they're starting to annoy me?

And apparently, despite their wailing about needing to be on the UK debates, the SNP aren't actually that bothered about, y'know, getting votes, judging from their lack of any contact.

The ones I didn't reply to...

Some of the top approaches to contact I've had online. Remember kids: these people are allowed to use the internet unsupervised.

"If I were going to compare you to a car I'd say you were a really souped up white ford capri from the 1980's with a bit of rust for good measure."

Wow, I'm like a rusty car? You flatter me!

"i love your photo and witty profile however i'm much (much much lol) older than you are. i live here in dumfries, have quite a strong sexuality in that i get an erection easily, much too easily lol, and have been on my own for about four years. one of my biggest loves is music, both listening and making."

I'm not sure if you're trying to interest me, or let me know right from the outset that you're a dirty old man (he's 62).

"Hey you serial killer :) Wanna shoot me? :)"

"OOOOK... you don`t like me, but I like you you little evil :)"

2 of the 4 (unresponded) contacts from one guy. I think he may have got off on the wrong foot...and continued hopping on it.

"I`m not one to talk about myself too much but I`m fairly attractive,have my act together and I`m really funny.So if you don`t like to laugh then we`re in trouble."

So, you're funny, but if I don't find you funny, it's my own fault, yes? I think not.

"wow..your nice"

Thanks. You're kind. But utterly lacking in any conversational skills.

" i like your picture only one problem i live in stonehaven"

Yes, that is a problem. For you. Stonehaven's horrible.

Friday din-dins

Madame @VoleQueen has organised our venture for Friday: dinner at 7.30pm at The Criterion in Picadilly Circus. The table's booked for 12 of us, so I need to know who's going to be there: leave a comment here or message me on Twitter if you're coming please!

Now remember kids: we might have to pretend we're proper adults, so practice your grown up faces, and how to make adult conversation. Adult as in "mature", not "things kids shouldn't hear until they're older"....

The voice of experience

So, I'm on a dating site. I go in phases with these, initially thinking maybe I'll meet someone normal, and then within a few weeks realising that they're actually full of mad men. Utter loons. And running away and swearing I'll not go back on one. Then I get bored of the whole singledom thing, and try again. Bad idea.

Here are a few things most of the freaky men on these sites should know.

Spelling
If you are on a site where people are going to gain their first impression of you via text, try making sure that that text is spelled correctly. Txt spk and loss of capitals makes me wonder what you have against vowels and proper punctuation.

Profile text
Top tip: write some, yes? And yes, everyone has to write that they like going out / staying in, cinema, friends etc, but when you write that and complain that you have to do it, you just sound whiny. And unable to think of anything interesting about yourself. And if you can't think of anything interesting about you, what makes you think anyone else is going to try and find it?

Contact email
"Hi" is the top heading for emails I receive. Now, I'm pretty sure my profile has enough information in it for you to be able to make some sort of comment beyond "hi". And emails with the entire content also being "hi", "Hello" or "Talk to me!!!" (my personal favourite) are not going to get replies. If you want to chat with me, then actually try starting a conversation. Emails like that are equivalent to prodding me in the street then standing in front of me grinning gormlessly.

Repeated messages
If I do not reply to your first message, it's probably because I'm not interested. If I don't reply to the second, third or fourth, please stop messaging, you're just looking like a stalker and freaking me out!

Username
Now, you may well adore your football team, but to give yourself a username that says you are a fan of x team kinda implies that that's all you think about. And that does not bode well for in depth chats about life, the universe and everything. And using words like "spanky" and "good at it" just sounds sleazy.

Photos
I want to see you, what you look like. A photo of you draped over some dolly bird makes me wonder why you're on the site, if you're apparently constantly surrounded by women. A photo with three people in it makes me wonder which one you are. And a photo with you giving the fingers makes me wonder where your manners are.

I know this sounds ranty, and yes, it's nice to be contacted, but some people need to learn some social skills before they're allowed online unsupervised.

And yet...there may be an occasional rare normal man on these sites. I have a few dates coming up soon. I can only hope they go better than previous ones (my favourite was the guy who asked what age I was, said I looked my age in my photos, unlike other women who tried to pretend they were younger than their real age, then talked about himself for the next hour or so until I could politely escape), and they're not all loons. But, going on previous experience...they will be.

Wish me luck!