Another dating horrors update

For the continued education and entertainment of those not subjected to the wonderful world of singledom....

A few more contacts. You may see a pattern developing...

"hi how r u today?x"

"Evening how are you tonight? Im ---- normal not a total loon but can enjoy myself when looking at pix stookie of 21st june. Im a loving caring guy just looking for the same as yourself would you like to come and chat? x"

" Roast Beef Monster Much are just about as good as Pickled Onion Monster Munch."

"I too find roast beef Monster Munch a fantastic food group,
Sharks? (If I could swim, I would probaly not due to fear of being eaten, after watching Jaws as a child).

I my dear am not a total loon. How does a honeymoon in Legoland sound?

---- x"

"How are you fancy a chat? My name is --- x"

"hi thre, I liked your profile so thought i would say hi. WOuld you like to chat?

x"

"you are a very beautiful women"

"Pretty normal bloke (sort of), seeking friendship (maybe more) with humerous non bubble-head.

Is it worth a coffee to find out?"

"thought i would drop by and say hi...you profile is good..you must like humour as thats what comes across when i read it....would be really nice to chat with you...."

"Did you have a good weekend?

Please don't tell me you went swimming and the sharks got you!!!!!!! :o"

"how are you ?"

"Just thought I'd say hello... Im a big fan of tablet, my gran used to make awesome stuff :)
Not that much into swimming no?
:)"

"hey"

"hi x. you best of all."

" just wanted to say hello and how are things with you."

"Were you thanking crunchie yesterday that it was friday? :)"

"you don't look like a serial killer but i can see you have the potential when all dressed uop to be drop dead gorgeous. X ----."

"Hi
How are you doing are you having a fun summer?
ps nice top. Looks good on you!---"

"hello sexy"

"hey ther ,hows things?"


"hi, how are you.
i confess to checking the wate before i jump in, even if its a swimming pool...!
i blame jaws..

but then again, i swam in the waters of capetown and durban so i should be immune.
fat chance.


cheeky ----l"


" hey there, hows your evening going?"


"Hi,how was your day?"


" i love your profile plus you do look like a serial killer in your pics.. that smile can kill many and that innosence is the reason why you still dodge the law .. lol.."


"Wanted to say hi and see if you fancy a chat some time"


" how u doing"



" Hi

Good profile and photo and you obviously have a good sense of humour. So drop me a line if you fancy a chat, -----."



"hi ....xx"


"Hey there, just having a browse and happened across your profile..........Hello!! ;)"


"Can I get the spoon and the pot please mammy - he got it last time lol "


"Hello
I am ---- I am from Edinburgh he like to find a lady who from the same city if she is looking for the same thank I dont smarts

If she his a Email?

Thank you
----"


"hello my name is ---- wondered if you wanted to chat at this late hour .tonight i am watching lost on dvd you doing anything ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"


"Hi!!

how are you"


"Well you don't look like a serial killer in your profile so I thought I would say hi.

How are you tonight? Have you had a good weekend so far?

P.S. Pickles onion monster munch is good for a hangover too."



"How are you?x"


"how u doing" - please note, this is his second Joey-style email: now being blocked.


"hello how are you"


" Hi there, how are you?"


" interesting statement im intrigued nice picture to. hi im ---- xxx"


"Hey...How are you?"


"Any chance for a chat? or would "being polish" be a big "no-no"?:)"


"hi just thought i would say hi how are you?"


"hiya. how are you. that's a lovely photo you have on your profile."


"hi! not sure what to type when meeting some one new do you have any pointer's?"


"was just reading your profile and you sound really sweet was wondering would you fancy gettin to know each other.........."


"Hey, still alive? Hope so, then we can chat."


"Car ? Check that's such a random question
haha, hi I'm ----"

There is a definite trend to asking if we can "chat". Top tip - maybe if you suggest something to chat about, or actually start a conversation, I might? Also, as noted before, just saying "hi" is not really a great approach to creating a conversation.

And if I don't reply to your first email, the next 4 aren't going to encourage me to think you're normal, you're sadly mistaken.

So, if you want to contact any of these chaps, I can put you in touch...don't all rush at once now, gals!

The ones I didn't reply to...

Some of the top approaches to contact I've had online. Remember kids: these people are allowed to use the internet unsupervised.

"If I were going to compare you to a car I'd say you were a really souped up white ford capri from the 1980's with a bit of rust for good measure."

Wow, I'm like a rusty car? You flatter me!

"i love your photo and witty profile however i'm much (much much lol) older than you are. i live here in dumfries, have quite a strong sexuality in that i get an erection easily, much too easily lol, and have been on my own for about four years. one of my biggest loves is music, both listening and making."

I'm not sure if you're trying to interest me, or let me know right from the outset that you're a dirty old man (he's 62).

"Hey you serial killer :) Wanna shoot me? :)"

"OOOOK... you don`t like me, but I like you you little evil :)"

2 of the 4 (unresponded) contacts from one guy. I think he may have got off on the wrong foot...and continued hopping on it.

"I`m not one to talk about myself too much but I`m fairly attractive,have my act together and I`m really funny.So if you don`t like to laugh then we`re in trouble."

So, you're funny, but if I don't find you funny, it's my own fault, yes? I think not.

"wow..your nice"

Thanks. You're kind. But utterly lacking in any conversational skills.

" i like your picture only one problem i live in stonehaven"

Yes, that is a problem. For you. Stonehaven's horrible.

The voice of experience

So, I'm on a dating site. I go in phases with these, initially thinking maybe I'll meet someone normal, and then within a few weeks realising that they're actually full of mad men. Utter loons. And running away and swearing I'll not go back on one. Then I get bored of the whole singledom thing, and try again. Bad idea.

Here are a few things most of the freaky men on these sites should know.

Spelling
If you are on a site where people are going to gain their first impression of you via text, try making sure that that text is spelled correctly. Txt spk and loss of capitals makes me wonder what you have against vowels and proper punctuation.

Profile text
Top tip: write some, yes? And yes, everyone has to write that they like going out / staying in, cinema, friends etc, but when you write that and complain that you have to do it, you just sound whiny. And unable to think of anything interesting about yourself. And if you can't think of anything interesting about you, what makes you think anyone else is going to try and find it?

Contact email
"Hi" is the top heading for emails I receive. Now, I'm pretty sure my profile has enough information in it for you to be able to make some sort of comment beyond "hi". And emails with the entire content also being "hi", "Hello" or "Talk to me!!!" (my personal favourite) are not going to get replies. If you want to chat with me, then actually try starting a conversation. Emails like that are equivalent to prodding me in the street then standing in front of me grinning gormlessly.

Repeated messages
If I do not reply to your first message, it's probably because I'm not interested. If I don't reply to the second, third or fourth, please stop messaging, you're just looking like a stalker and freaking me out!

Username
Now, you may well adore your football team, but to give yourself a username that says you are a fan of x team kinda implies that that's all you think about. And that does not bode well for in depth chats about life, the universe and everything. And using words like "spanky" and "good at it" just sounds sleazy.

Photos
I want to see you, what you look like. A photo of you draped over some dolly bird makes me wonder why you're on the site, if you're apparently constantly surrounded by women. A photo with three people in it makes me wonder which one you are. And a photo with you giving the fingers makes me wonder where your manners are.

I know this sounds ranty, and yes, it's nice to be contacted, but some people need to learn some social skills before they're allowed online unsupervised.

And yet...there may be an occasional rare normal man on these sites. I have a few dates coming up soon. I can only hope they go better than previous ones (my favourite was the guy who asked what age I was, said I looked my age in my photos, unlike other women who tried to pretend they were younger than their real age, then talked about himself for the next hour or so until I could politely escape), and they're not all loons. But, going on previous experience...they will be.

Wish me luck!